


spread my wings

by pengyun0221



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:00:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22666669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pengyun0221/pseuds/pengyun0221
Summary: 'it was nice when i acted like an adult'too much. he's tired.he's had enough of everything, everyone.but he kept being stopped. why won't they let him go? don't they know there's no point in keeping him here?he just wants it to be quiet.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	spread my wings

today is the day. finally the day. after so many setbacks, so many disturbances, he's finally alone. just him and his mind, just him and his mission.

the feeling's bittersweet. on one hand, he'll be free. on the other, he'll be lost. 

it's confusing, but it doesn't have to be... _ right _ ?

"stop thinking so much," seungmin takes a breath, quite possibly his last one. as he gazes at the unrelenting depth of the sea before him, he can’t help the relief that surges through his body.

it’s just...he’s been wanting this for so long that he doesn’t remember exactly when. the anxiousness of the day arriving ate at the back of his mind, pressuring him to move the date forward, to keep moving it until _oh...today’s the day_.

there was no more point in thinking. he just had to do it. 

so, he plunges.

he dives into the icy ocean, unwelcoming yet he's never felt more at home, ironic huh?

he's finally at peace! a warm tranquility covers him like a blanket, promises of a better life filling his heart. he'll be okay.

_ until he wasn't.  _

he barely registers the strong force that drags him out of his long-awaited calm.

the figure was hot. maybe it was because of their body heat, maybe it was because of the weather, seungmin wouldn't know. all he knows is that it's too hot, it's too warm, and he wants out.

it’s not the feeling he got in the sea, not that calm. it was too stuffy. too real.

but he didn't have the strength. the other is too strong. seungmin would probably be crying in pain right now if it wasn't for the fact that he was too _numb_. 

they didn't say anything. they just held the broken boy close. their tears mixed in with the wet of seungmin's clothes until they couldn't be differentiated anymore.

seungmin didn't return the hug. he's tired.

"let's go home yeah?" there was a hint of desperation in the other's voice. seungmin knows why.

"okay," 

he lets himself be carried away back to the cold of their shared home.

—*—

he tries again the next day.

not even a full 24 hours, he finds himself in the bathroom.

_ hyunjin hid all the sharp objects. _ he observed, shutting the 5th drawer he's looked through for a knife. 

kudos to him, trying so hard for someone who can't return it. 

he's on house lockdown right now, stuck at home. he could always just walk out, but he knows that the other would find out right away. if only he could get rid of that damn cctv stuck to the top of the door.

he searches the last place he could think of, the top of the bathroom mirror. 

dead-end. as expected.

hyunjin knows him too well. but ironically, he also knew nothing about him.

should he just give up for today? 

then, his alarm blares. you're one day late.

he chuckles, light-hearted at first before it intensifies, before it goes mad, reflecting his reality. he's in stitches, pressing his sides both somewhat in pain and somewhat because he had to put his hands somewhere. 

when he finishes, a glance in the mirror wasn't even able to shock him anymore. his hair was tousled from nights spent clawing through them, eyebags prominent from the exact same reason. they may be worst than chan's at this point. 

and he's tired, it's so obvious that he is. when his phone rings, he doesn't even bother picking up.

it probably isn't anything important anyway. nothing is important to him anymore.

he turns on the tap, filling the bathtub with water.

_ maybe if i just- _

he steps in, one foot at a time. 

_ pass out for a bit- _

the alarm rings again, but this time, there wasn't the pang in his heart.

_ and maybe i'll- _

sinking down, he buried himself to the top of his head.

_ disappear. _

...

he gets pulled out for the second time in the span 2 days. 

he doesn't even know how long he was out, but obviously not long enough considering the fact that he's still here and he's still very much alive.

"jin-"

"stop," hyunjin holds him near, "just...stop,"

seungmin can only nod.

...

that night, seungmin asks hyunjin.

"can we talk?"

the older rolls over on their shared bed, humming a reply. he gazes at seungmin lovingly but even the other could tell he had enough of this already.

seungmin really didn't deserve him.

"why?"

"why what?" hyunjin giggles, bringing up a hand to carress the younger's hair. he stops when the ends get stuck.

"why. why are you still here? why do you love me? why won't you let me go?"

" _kkami numero dos_ , i'm still here because i love you. i love you because you're so amazing and sweet and kind and talented and worthy...i won't- i can't let you go because you're too perfect," seungmin couldn't even bring himself to cry. he knows that hyunjin is truly speaking from his heart but he just couldn't. he couldn't see those things in himself, and he's far too tired to even think further than his own flaws.

"jinnie...please..." he rubs his face into hyunjin's chest, relishing in his lover's scent.

"i'm so so tired,"

"i know i know," he sighs, "but let me help you. let me help you be happy again,"

"how?"

"just trust me," 

"okay...i trust you," _empty words kim seungmin, you know you don't._

—*—

he has a plan today, but he had to be fast. there's isn't much time before hyunjin notices and hyunjin can't notice.

"i'll be back soon minnie," he presses a feather light kiss on the younger's forehead, ruffling his locks a little before getting up to leave. 

seungmin didn't even bother responding, hyunjin was used to by now. it was rare that he did. 

though, during the odd days where the younger was feeling okay, he would reply. those small little hums of acknowledgement or wishes for a good day were enough to keep hyunjin going for the whole day.

because hyunjin is the sole breadwinner between the two of them. seungmin is too busy being depressed to even try. sometimes, hyunjin wishes that seungmin would just see a therapist, but he would never say it in his face, in the fear or worsening his condition. 

he leaves the younger alone again, with the camera eyeing his every movement. 

seungmin glares back at it.

he spends the next few hours revising his notes and memorising his escape route. he makes sure he has enough money in his pocket, in the case that his bus card doesn't have enough money. 

when he checks the time, it's already 3pm, time for hyunjin's daily meeting. 

time for him to go.

it won't take long before hyunjin's nofications start multiplying. each camera he installed in the hallway signifying movement from his lover. for some, it may seem a little extreme, controlling even, but hyunjin is in no way that sort of boyfriend. both of them know they needed those guards up. 

he sprints down the hallway, not even worried about making loads of noise. the security guard downstairs should be having his tea break, he's in no shape to chase after the younger and that's what he's betting on.

he smoothly exits the estate, with only a loud grunt behind. good on woojin for prioritising his chicken.

his phone is beeping incessantly. he has to turn it off before the gps can be tracked anymore. 

he gives the texts and missed calls a tight grin before shutting them. 

_ where are you? _

_ seungmin what are you planning? _

_ this isn't fucking funny. _

_ seungmin stop. _

he flops down on the bus. number 4419, a bus he took frequently with the older. he's had the route memorised by now.

when he reaches the interchange, he gets off and swaps buses. the bus this time, 0325, will bring him somewhere...different.

it's not an ideal death, but it'll do. it's sufficient at least. 

he clutches the letters close, tears of relief welling in his eyes.

finally.  _ finally finally finally finally. _

he couldn't stop giggling. 

seungmin was glad the bus was empty at the moment although their opinions didn't really matter to a dead man anyway.

the adreneline pumps through his blood as he steps off the bus. there was a tall building before him. tall and abandoned. _kind of like him._

"don't let anyone see," he whispers, tip-toeing into the building. no one's there anyway, there was no point.

as he reaches the top. he looks down. it was the most surreal he's ever felt because this time, hyunjin wasn't here.

he wasn't here to interfere anymore. no one was.

he wastes no time. before hyunjin can get to him, he jumps.

a million thoughts run through his head, mostly joy of freedom. but as the ground inches closer, as his memories flash by so achingly slow, he realises that maybe it _was_ worth living after all.

maybe the daily kisses from hyunjin were something that was to be cherished. maybe even having a hyunjin was enough.

seungmin didn’t have good parents, nor a good family. he never did. they were always too busy with themselves to even notice the mess that they’ve made. 

the mess by the name of _kim seungmin_.

it was good sometimes. seungmin wouldn’t have the parental control that most of his classmates did, but he just wished to be _loved_.

and he wished he realised he _was_ loved before it was too late.

he _regrets_ , but he's gone.

...

_ seungmin please pick up... _

_ i love you... _

_ don't leave me... _

_ don't leave her... _

—*—

_ the adoption papers, scattered on the table that seungmin ignored that morning. what would have happened if he had read them? would he...would he still be here? _

_ hyunjin sobs himself quietly to sleep. he couldn't move. he merely held the small girl tightly in his hands. _

_ "i won't let you go seunghee, not like i did to him," _

_ the end _

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! 
> 
> criticism is highly appreciated~
> 
> follow me on [twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/pengoosama) (maybe o—o)


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